Silent Regrets
by SouthernGirl11
Summary: When all they have is each other, could it go too far? Post 'Spooked'. Olivia dealing with betrayal from Dean, Elliot with another fictional divorce.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Okay everyone, I kind of have writers block about my other story (hence why I haven't updated in over a month). After 'Spooked' aired I had inspiration to create this one. It took me a while, but here it is. It's very possible that this is only a few chapters, but we'll see how it goes and if you lovely readers enjoy it or not. It's rated T for now, just for language, but I think I'll get a lot deeper into E/O later on. Whatever that includes, we shall see later on. I have another chapter ready, but I'm waiting for your opinions before I post it. Please review! This is my first time creating a scene with them at the morgue, so let me know how I did with that and everything else! Anyways, I believe that's it. I'll quit babbling so you all can read on. Thanks!

- - -

The two detectives both grimaced over the sad sight of the badly beaten body of a young woman on ME Warner's metal slab.

Olivia stared at her face. She often made comparisons to herself, relating to the victim. Elliot, however, always tried his very best not to look at all. Most of the cases reminded him of his daughters, and the job was hard enough as it was before thinking that way.

Olivia broke the silence. "Damn. This never gets easier."

"You're telling me." Melinda added. "Meet Jamie Ronson, age eighteen." Melinda was slipping on a new pair of latex gloves as she walked towards them.

Olivia's brow furrowed in confusion. "How do you know that already?"

Melinda turned and pulled the worn out chesnut coloured backpack off the nearby counter. "Your fellow detectives found this a few yards away in the woods where the body was found. This swim ID card was found in one of the pockets." She handed it to Olivia who turned the laminated card toward the light, observing the name, age and picture scrolled on it.

"Pretty girl." Olivia stated flatly, disappointed at the fact that such a young life had been snuffed out so soon.

Elliot finally managed to pull his eyes off the girl's severly bruised forearms. "Yeah, until someone did this to her." He scratched the back of his neck. "You got COD?"

"The obvious." Melinda turned the victim's head away from them, revealing the jagged, bloody wound pattern imbedded in her skull, soaking her surrounding blonde hair in dried blood. "Blunt forced trauma. Besides the blow to the head and bruising head to toe, she has no other major injuries that I've discovered yet. From what I can tell, she didn't put up much of a fight. I'm guessing she wasn't expecting it."

Olivia turned to Elliot. "Could've known him. "

Melinda shrugged lazily. "It's possible, but I'll be checking for more extensive signs of physical or sexual abuse."

Elliot was still closely examining the prominent gash in the victim's head. "You have any idea what our sicko used for a murder weapon?"

"I'm not entirely sure. As far as I can tell it was a heavy object, probably metal. With the studded pattern, I'm guessing something like the usual handheld meat tenderizer you find in household kitchens."

Olivia sighed in disgust. "Anything else?"

Warner scanned her report which was fastened tightly on a clipboard. "Found semen on her thigh and her skirt. Sent it through the system, I'll call you when I get something."

Elliot shifted in Olivia's direction. "What do you say we check out the pool first? See if anyone knows her and we can go from there." Olivia nodded and read the card again. "Hyde Creek Pool."

They turned to Warner and thanked her before flashing a small smile and walking out.

- -

"Jamie's.. dead? She was murdered?" Elliot and Olivia had made their way over to the local swimming pool where Jamie Ronson often frequented. They were questioning one of the usual lifeguards, Carly Grant, who apparently knew Jamie Ronson reasonably well.

Olivia's sympathetic eyes met Carly's. "Yes. I'm sorry."

Carly's eyes began to tear as she rubbed her temple. Olivia and Elliot shared a glance before he took over questioning.

"Were you close?" he shifted his stance to the other foot.

"Um, yeah.. well, sort of. As far as I know, no one knew her outside of this place. She's been coming here regularly for... at least a couple years. God, how'd this happen?"

Olivia momentarily stopped scribbling notes down on her pad before she responded. "Actually, we can't discuss any details of the case yet. Do you happen to know if there are any logs or schedules of classes that Jamie attended?"

Carly sniffled and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Uh, yeah. In the office, follow me."

The two strolled slowly, about twenty feet behind Carly. They observed the young mother in the kiddie pool with her baby, and the brother taunting his older sister for being "too much of a chicken" to hop into the deep end by herself.

"I swim here sometimes." Olivia chimed in.

"You swim?" he raised an eyebrow.

She tried to hide the small smile as it appeared across her lips. She could just imagine what Elliot was thinking. "Yeah, usually every Thursday night. Well, when I'm not picking up your slack in paperwork." she teased.

"I didn't know that." Elliot replied.

Olivia thought it was rather entertaining, cute even, that he was still stuck on her first statement. "That I swim, you mean?"

Elliot nodded, not making eye contact. "You learn something new everyday," she stated matter-of-factly.

--

Elliot and Kathy were working out the details of the divorce, this time agreeing to be reasonably civil. Elliot hadn't even officially moved out yet, but he was gone most of the time. He worked, then slept wherever - the crib, occasionally some cheap motel when he couldn't even stand the thought of going home. They were anything but new to the concept of seperation, of divorce, of falling out of love. Elliot wanted both of them to accept what was left of their family and move on as best they could, but Kathy was never understanding, especially now that they had Eli.

"Look, Kath, I'm saying every other weekend and a day or two during the week seems reasonable to me."

"Oh please, you won't even be home half of those days. You'll be with Olivia working on 'a case'. " She crossed her arms. "Why don't you just admit it."

Elliot hated the way Kathy stated Olivia's name like she was some dirty slut he never should have known. It happened more often than not, and to put it simply, it infuriated the hell out of him. Elliot was never a perfect husband, but he was a loyal one. The disgusting implication, sometimes seeming more like an accusation, made him want to put his fist through the wall. It didn't even deserve any type of response.

Elliot scoffed heavily and rolled his eyes before pulling his coat off the chair of the desk that was close at hand. He sighed as he threw it around his shoulders and headed for the door.

"Where do you think you're going, Elliot?"

"Out for a drive. I'll be back later."

Elliot drove around aimlessly, with no destination in mind. It was a late, dark, and extremely dreary night. His wipers were going at the next to fastest speed as he leaned forward and squinted to see through the raindrops violently pelting the windshield. The only sources of light were the brilliant white glow from the full moon and the dim, faded ones that seemed to radiatiate from the dashboard. The harmonies coming from the radio echoed in his ears, louder than they usually seemed. He listened more intently. The man's piercing, throaty voice sang about lonliness and lost hopes.

_Now, there's all kinds of songs about babies and love that goes right._

_But for some unknown reason, nobody wants to play them tonight._

_Hey, I hope it's sunny wherever you are._

_That's sure not the picture tonight in my car._

_And it sure ain't easin' my pain, all these songs about pain._

It was too ironic, considering the state of his marriage and his reason for being on the road in the first place. _Why do they play songs about rain while it's pouring out?_ he thought to himself. He turned the volume knob down slightly. He was glad it happened to be a Thursday, hoping that he could get out of the precinct early tomorrow and spend time with his kids.

Wait a minute. It's Thursday. Olivia swims on Thursdays.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** All right, chapter two! I edited this quick, so I apologize if it's not as cleaned up as it could be. Be sure to let me know what you think, and give opinions on where you want it to go! Happy reading, my friends!!

- - - -

Elliot walked into the lobby of the pool, the warm air filled with condensation and chlorine. He shook as much liquid sunshine off his heavy coat as he could, before running one hand through his short hair and shoving his hands in his pockets. Elliot looked around, feeling slightly lost.

The receptionist seated at the extensive sized desk gave him a small smile as he started walking by her toward the large window that stretched all the way down the hallway, overlooking the entire swimming area. She noticed he was unsure about something.

"Can I help you, sir?" The question caught him off guard.

Elliot took one hand out of his jacket pocket and pointed toward the window.

"I'm sorry, we're closing up soon. Just waiting for the last few inside."

"Oh, no, swimming's not really my thing. I'm, uh, I'm just waiting for someone."

"Oh, in that case, go right in." the petite brunette gave him a bright smile and went back to typing on her computer.

He saw someone swimming, but he wasn't sure it was her. Elliot stood in the viewing area, watching through the foggy glass windows, where the parents usually observed their children during swimming lessons. His eyes were fixed on the person in the athletic pool, completing lap after lap. She was dressed in a one piece bathing suit, purple and black, and somewhat revealing. The woman would dive, and he would watch her slim figure as a blur as she stayed under for certain periods of time. She'd come up through the water slowly and stand up before taking a deep, rejuvinating breath and would gently push the soaking wet hair out of her face. As she placed her hands on her hips, she arched her back and wiped her eyes.

It was Olivia.

Elliot didn't know how long he'd been standing there. One minute, one hour.. there was no way to tell once he got into that trance. Although he felt somewhat like a stalker, watching her swim with ease, Elliot just couldn't take his eyes off of her. There was something about seeing Olivia alone with her thoughts, whatever they happened to be, that put Elliot at peace and attracted him to her even more. If that was even possible. As she swam back over to the end of the pool closest to where he was standing, he decided to go talk to her, though he had no idea what he was going to say.

Olivia had no idea he was there. She was too busy concentrating on what she was doing, not to mention the constant stirring of her thoughts. Not closing that case just over a week ago seemed to eat away at her, probably because she let it get to her. Her feelings, they always seemed to get involved, but this time they were involved more than usual. She felt like she had shot herself in the foot for actually believing there was something evolving between her and Dean. His words - both the good and bad - kept ringing in her ears. The ringing never seemed to go away. She thought that if she spent enough time in the pool, she could possibly rinse off every reminder and leave them behind. Even to her it sounded like a stretch, but she hadn't felt that desperate in a long time.

Olivia could sense someone walking towards her, most likely one of the off duty lifeguards, telling her they had to close. In the entire area, there was just her and a few teenage girls, talking quietly at the edge of the other end of the pool. She sighed as she slicked her hair away from her face and rested her elbows behind her on the concrete edge.

"Hey, Liv." he squatted down nearly to her level

It was Elliot? Her head whirled around.

"Elliot! I.. uh, didn't know you were coming." Olivia all of a sudden felt the need to cover up. She crossed her arms across her chest, clinging to each arm. She hoped she didn't show how insecure she was. He was the only man that made her feel that way. She saw Elliot as perfect, something she could never measure up to, although she wanted to more than anything.

"Yeah, me either. I was just in the neighbourhood." he studied the scattered water droplets along her face, arms, shoulders and chest.

Olivia chuckled as she looked up at him. "In the neighbourhood? You're pathetic." she joked.

His hand came to his chest as he raised his eyebrows "I'm pathetic?"

"Yes, you are." she nodded, openmouthed and half smiling, mocking him.

Elliot shrugged. "Okay."

Olivia let a small laugh slide through her teeth as she pulled herself up to sit on the pool ledge. She gestured for him to hand her the towel draped over the rungs of the pool ladder. She stood up and took it from Elliot as they walked a few feet away to sit on the bench nearby.

"So, how long you been here?"

"Not long. I was just running a couple errands and ended up here." he lied.

"In other words you and Kathy had a fight and ended up here."

"You know me too well, Liv."

"I should."

Seemingly out of nowhere, the friendly conversation turned silent, and a little awkward. He observed the muscles tightening in her face as he sifted through his thoughts as to why she could be upset. He guessed she was once again kicking herself for not closing the case. It killed Elliot that she often thought of herself as a failure, even during situations she really didn't have much control over, and he could tell just by Olivia's posture that she felt that way. She constantly shifted her body uncomfortably. Olivia's hands slid under her slender thighs that were seated on the plastic bench, her head was down, and a few large sighs followed.

"You thinking about the double murder case?"

Olivia nodded, but didn't lift her head.

Elliot sensed there was more to it. "Porter?"

Her chin dimpled slightly, trying to suppress the flood of emotions.

"Yeah."

"You really had faith in that guy, didn't you?"

"Mhmm. I mean, I didn't have a reason not to. He helped me a few years ago when I was trying to sort out everything with Simon and my father. He was.. understanding." Olivia looked down at her feet and nervously, trying to find the words to help Elliot understand.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, but she spoke as if she had thought it through. "You know when you want something so badly... and then when you finally get it, you wonder why you wanted it in the first place?" she eventually looked up at Elliot. He was squinting, concentrating as he took in her words. He didn't agree, nor disagree, he just wanted to hear everything she said. Everything.

"It kind of feels like my whole life has been like that, but especially lately. From an early age I promised myself not to be the failure I was predisposed to being. You know, to help people, instead of hurt them. But while I'm doing that, it feels like I'm running from myself.. that I'm ignoring the inevitable, and I know it's going to break my heart when it catches up with me. Every single chance I get at anything.. freedom, happiness, love.. it all ends up being fake. I think, without even knowing it, I've just put up this fence and I convince myself that if I-I don't feel in order to try and make it easier. But it doesn't work... if anything, it's even harder. This time it made me feel worthless, I just wish I didn't have those feelings."

Elliot did understand, but it was interpreted in his own way. It was hard to know what to say after she spilled all her feelings, but he eventually choked them out. "Did you think if you convinced yourself you didn't have feelings for _him_, you wouldn't?" The question made perfect sense to both of them.

The muscles around Olivia's eyes tensed. "No."

Elliot cocked his head toward Olivia, implying her to tell the truth.

Olivia shrugged. "Maybe. I just didn't want to be a part of it. Not if it was going to be like that." She secretly loved the way he knew when she came up with an answer too quick for it to be truthful.

"Yeah, the only problem is that just isn't reality."

"I know. It sucks. I'm not a quitter, but sometimes I do feel like giving up." she sucked in a deep breath. "God, I don't know.. what do you think?"

Elliot shrugged and smiled sweetly, flattered that he mattered enough to her to even ask his opinion.

"It doesn't matter what I think."

"Sure it does." she looked over at him with wide eyes and an inquistive smirk.

"Well..." Elliot paused momentarily to form the words in the correct order. "I think that whatever you're looking for you're going to find it. It comes at a different time and a different price for everyone, but I guarantee that with everything you've been through, as corny as this may sound, you'll be rewarded."

"You really think so?"

"I really do." he smiled sweetly. Olivia could tell he was more than sincere.

"I just.. sometimes I feel like I won't be rewarded simply because of who I am."

Elliot knew exactly what she was referring to. Her mother - a raging, abusive alcoholic that Olivia desperately tried to become close to before she drank herself into an early grave. Her father, if you want to call it that, was her mother's sadistic rapist whom she never knew either, and had also died years previous. It wasn't exactly motivation for her.

"Liv.. just because someone comes from a difficult past or background doesn't mean they are incapable of love. You're living proof of that."

Olivia scoffed suddenly as she pushed a piece of wet hair behind her ear. "That's cliché."

"And why do you think that is?" he replied quickly. "It wouldn't be overused if there wasn't some truth in there."

Olivia thought intently about what he said, about a response she could give.. except, there wasn't one. As complicated as everything was, she couldn't find a reason to disagree with anything he said. She couldn't believe, throughout all the hell she'd experienced, how lucky she was to have Elliot around.

Tears of appreciation, dare she say love, formed behind her eyes and made her voice squeak as she looked at him longingly. "How do you make everything sound okay?"

"I'm your partner, it's my job." he started to stand up before she spoke again.

"No, it's not."

"Okay, as your best friend, it's my job."

Olivia blushed, and a grateful smile slowly crept across her beautiful mouth. She chuckled nervously, never taking her eyes off of him. Being partners was easy. Okay, easy was not the word. The rules were simple, though: Look out for each other and keep the other in line. Being best friends was incredibly more complex. Complexities often made her nervous, but with Elliot it was completely different. If anything with him was complicated, that meant it clouded the waters between them. She knew from experience that clouded waters coupled with being incredible attraction could mean trouble. Forbidden, pleasurable, enticing trouble.

He rubbed her back, she felt a tingle that faded down to her toes. "I didn't see your car outside. What do you say we go for a drink before I take you home?"

_Oh, God._ A bitter, ruthless divorce left Elliot a lonely man. Betrayal left her a lonely woman. But when you double feelings like those with alcohol.. ? It couldn't be good.

"Liv?" his voice pulled her out of the silent, beautiful, difficult decision that she was trying to make.

"Oh! Yeah, I walked. Uh, yeah.. sure." _Shit_.

"Just let me get dressed, dry my hair and -"

"I'll be waiting for you in the car."

She nodded and let out a breath mid-sentence. It was sweet, how he was just willing to wait for her, no questions asked.

Elliot smirked in her direction before walking out the door towards the lobby, not looking back.

Sure, Olivia was scared. However, there was a part of her that wished something remarkable would happen between them. What it was, she wasn't sure of - at least, not yet. Maybe that was what was so frightening, the unknown. What would happen afterwards, the consequences they would both have to pay if the line ever was crossed. Olivia shook her head and sighed, once again unconciously trying her best to ignore those thoughts. She picked up her towel, and headed toward the changeroom, unsure about what the rest of the night would hold.


End file.
